Military speeches: manners matter

Manners matter in the military. Among the unwritten rules are expectations about how to act in a social situation. 

Often young recruits experience culture shock when they come face-to-face with the demanding master sergeant, the yelling cadre and the endless rules. It's a life with straight lines and square corners. So it's often up to the general's wife to present a warmer, gentler side to those intimidated recruits. 

One woman who is master of the gentler side is Norwood Grinalds, wife of MG John S. Grinalds USMC (Ret). Raised in the southern US, she grew up learning about hospitality, manners and the finer points of etiquette.

While at the Marine Recruit Depot, she hosted thousands of people at dinners and parties which featured everyone from diplomats and government leaders to young Marines.  Noted for her care and concern for others, she was the ideal person to put unpolished recruits at ease while teaching them manners and etiquette. 

Her rules work well not just for people in the military but for everyone who need a guide for social niceties. 

Many of her new recruits had never have had the advantages of learning how to behave in social situations. But manners matter in the military and everywhere else. People judge you on your behavior. 

When her husband was commanding general of the Marine Corps Recruit Depot in San Diego, Norwood Grinalds taught those unwritten rules of civility and etiquette. 

Using her sense of humor and warmth, she gave the etiquette rules she knew would benefit them in their relationships and advancement to higher positions in service. 

Photo ©Russ Pace, The Citadel. Norwood Grinalds places her hand over her heart during a dress parade at The Citadel where she was honored with the Palmetto Award.

Lessons in military etiquette and protocol

One of her most popular speeches was titled Fifty Social Lifesavers for New Lieutenants. 

Her advice on how young people should conduct themselves in social situations is primarily directed toward young males and reflects the period (1990s) the Grinalds  were stationed in San Diego. AT that time,  the vast majority of the new recruits were male.  But the purpose of the rules, which can easily be adapted for females, speak to the values of polite behavior and consideration for others -- values that are expected of all Marines. 

50 social lifesavers for new lieutenants*

1. Marines know parade etiquette. They must ensure that their guests know the expectations as well. Stand erect without talking during the playing of the National Anthem, Marines' Hymn, honors and when the flag is moving past. Civilian men remove their hats and place them over their hearts; civilian women should cover their hearts with their right hand. 
2. Do not chew gum when you are in uniform or when you go to someone's house or when you are wearing a necktie.
3. Buy an etiquette book and read it. (Service Etiquette by Oretha D. Swartz is excellent and is sold in the PX.)
4. Bachelors have the same social responsibilities that married men do.
5. Shake hands with a woman only if she offers hers first.
6. When you go to someone's house for a meal, take a gift (i.e. something delicious from a bakery, flowers, or a box of candy for your hostess, or a bottle of wine for your host.) Do not give men flowers or women alcohol.
7. In a receiving line, do not shake hands with aides, only with th hosts and honored guests.
8. Do not carry a cigarette, food or drink in your hand when you go through a receiving line.
9. When a party is over, find your host/ hostess and give a genuine thank-you. NO GHOSTING OUT!  Parties are expensive to give and take enormous amounts of time to prepare.
10. Write a thank-you note, preferably within 24 hours of a party, but within a week, absolutely. The sooner you say "thank you," the easier it is to write the letter.
    
    
11. Buy some conservative stationery -- cream, white or gray without flourishes. Men, do not use ladies'-sized stationery; ladies, do not use men's sized stationery. Use ink pens (rolling ball, cartridge or pens with bladders.)
12. Reply to RSVPs promptly. To not reply is gauche.
13. Do not be greedy when you go to someone's house. If you are ravenous, eat something before leaving home.
14. Stand when a woman joins your group or table. Help her with her chair if she is sitting next to you.
15. Learn to make smooth introductions. Introduce the man to the woman, the younger to the older, and the less important to the more important. Pass along information to get a conversation started.
16. Always carry a clean, ironed white handkerchief.
17. Learn to uncork wine correctly, even if you do not drink. A gentlemen guest always wants to be able to help when called upon.
18. Learn what you should wear to parties. In the military, invitations generally say exactly what should be worn In the civilian community, it is generally formal, informal and casual. Formal attire is black tie or, if indicated in writing, white tie. Informal is a coat and tie -- a suit is fine for a dinner party, a jacket and slacks for a brunch, for example. Casual means slacks, collared shirt, tucked in, belt, socks and shoes.
19. Be careful of your language. Profane and vulgar language is unacceptable in mixed company and is a sure sign of a limited focabulary.
20. Hold the door, hold the chair and hold the coat for a woman or elderly man.
    
    
21. Do not begin to eat before your hostess picks up her fork.
22. In a formal setting, talk with your dinner partner during the first course, the person on your left during the second course, your dinner partner during the third, etc. etc.
23. Do not play with utensils or anything on the table during the meal.
24. Learn the etiquette of napkins.
25. Drink less alcohol than you want. No more than two drinks before dinner.
26. Remember, a stranger has but three things by which to judge you: good grooming, good grammar and good manners.
27. Learn to dance well enough to ask your hostess/hostess' daughter/guest of honor to dance.
28. As a host, remember you are not a guest at your own party. You must introduce everyone, greet guests at the door, and help your wife -- if you are lucky enough to have one, Control the alcohol. Do not let anyone embarrass himself by drinking too much in your home. Circulate among your guests. It is impolite for the host to stand all evening with one group of men talking about nothing but the Marine Corps.
29. If something gets broken . . .    
30. Be a great guest. Watch for "strays,,' learn to be a good conversationalist, anticipate a hostess' predicaments, don't overstay your welcome, don't break up a party if you need to leave early -- depart without fanfare.
    
    
31. Don't EVER arrive early or more than 15 minutes late.
32. Don't call your hostess the hour before her party.
33. Don't ask your host/hostess if you can bring additional guests to a sit-down dinner.
34. Learn your personal pronouns in the objective case. You will be a stand-out if you do. (Example: He took pictures of Linda and I.  WRONG.   He took pictures of Linda and me. RIGHT)
35. An invitation received is a social obligation to return, even if you are unable to accept the original invitation.
36. Be sure you know how to use your knife and fork properly.
37. Decide whether you are going to serve alcohol. If you do, always have plenty of food, temper the strength of the drinks and monitor those drinking. Close the bar at a certain time. If you do not serve alcohol, do not drink alcohol when you are a guest. 
38. If you do not serve alcohol, learn to make GREAT non-alcoholic drinks that show effort. Invest in a blender.
39. It takes more than a bowl of chips and a cooler of beer to make a party. Plan a crab fest at the beach or a pool party or chili and touch football.
40. Precede a lady off a train, plane or boat so that you can turn and offer her a hand as she leaves the last step or you can break her fall should she lose her footing.
    
    
41. Follow a woman onto a boat, train or plane.
42. Precede a lady to your seats in a theater.
43. Follow a woman who follows the Maitre d' to a table. Lead a woman when it is necessary to seat yourselves.
44. Sit facing the center of the room so as to be able to attract the waiter and to see who is arriving.
45. When ordering in a restaurant, find out what your wife/date would like and order for her. "The lady (or my wife) will have the veal. I will have the prime rib."
46. Buy some good quality calling/business cards and use them to leave messages, attach to gifts and give to new acquaintances. They can be left with a secretary or nurse when unable to see someone.
47. Do not draw attention to yourself in public by booing, shouting or acting foolish. Do not embarrass others by beihng overly affectionate in public.
48. Stand up in a theater when someone wants to pass by.
49. When you rise to leave a party and give your goodbyes, LEAVE, don't dawdle.
50. Keep your word. Be honest and direct in all you do and say.

*Published with permission of Norwood D. Grinalds, ©2000.

Photo by Luidmila Chernetska